Clothes made out of old curtains. Don't do it.

Scarlett O'Hara in her Curtains (I know it's a cookie jar, just use your imagination)

There are some people who can successfully wear clothes which once hung at a window. Actually no there aren't. There's Scarlett O'Hara and even she looks a bit ropey. One has the impression that her dress may smell of cheroots and whisky (I think they look like old pub curtains frankly)and may perhaps not be as fresh as one might like if one was meeting one's fancy man.

Then there are the Von Trapp family. It doesn't surprise me one little bit that after a couple of minutes eyeing up the heavy brocade Maria whips up some nifty outfits for the kids - I know they were Austrian not German but it must be something about that neck of the woods. I lived in Germany for a while and if there's one thing I can say about German Fashion it is that no curtain is safe. There were times when I would catch my assistant casting a speculative glance over the window dressing in our office, I would make her chant "Curtains are not clothes!" until the moment passed and she felt better.

German fashion - note the curtains just torn from the pelmets and tossed casually over the

Recently my sister Jo and Ellie, her 4 year old, went shopping in Asda. Ellie had dressed herself and was wearing her Fifi Flowertots swimsuit, some stripey socks belonging to her older sister, a pink fairy skirt and her mother's high heeled boots. It was a statement outfit. I'm not sure that kind of statement should be allowed in supermarkets but it kept her 'roid rage at bay. I'm telling you this not because curtains were involved but to point out the difference in our childhoods. I was 15 before I was allowed to decide what to wear. My grandmother, Jessie, was a proficient seamstress but she had rubbish patterns. And taste. She would make me trousers that if you pulled them up so the crotch was somewhere near yours the waistband would chafe your armpits and the draught would whistle round your ankles. Put the waistband round your waist and the seam of the crotch would catch on your wellies. You get the idea. What she made however was not as bad as what she made them from. As well as recycling curtains she had special sources for other upholstery fabrics. Gill and I had hotpants made out of Pink and Lime Green Checked coarse tweed (Try having those seams on tender inner thighs; we walked funny for weeks). Then there were the Burgundy Corduroy Kick Flares (bus seats in a former life I think) that had purple flocked insets (possibly wallpaper at one time - who knows). You don't want to know what we had to put up with when she got an entire bolt of industrial supertough denim but I probably don't need to tell you that you could spot Gill and me from 3 miles away just by the way our arms stuck out at right angles from our sides.

Then there were the beach dresses. They were made from yellow towelling. Fine. They were made from yellow towelling curtains. Not so fine. They were made from yellow towelling curtains that had once hung in the kitchen and were patterned with teapots and onions. They were beach dresses for heavens sake! You don't have onions and teapots on the beach! You have buckets and spades and other cute things - not vegetables and crockery.

And my mother made me wear it... what was she thinking of?!! Certainly not how scarred my 8 year psyche would be!

Ellie has no idea how lucky she is but Jo has taken care to pick nice curtains for her rooms - just in case!